Just in time for Christmas! The worst ham recipe in the known Universe!

I've been waiting for the one perfect ham recipe to cross my path this year (and by perfect I mean the perfectly disgusting combination of sweet and meat). Why only one example when there are so many ways to ruin a ham? Well that was last year's post: It's Christmas, Let's Ruin a Ham! This year I wanted just one. One that was so gut retching, so ralph inducing that it took me hours just to calm my gag reflexes enough to write this post. I cannot possibly imagine what is going through someone's mind when they take the first bite. Maybe it's "Where can I spit this out? How can I get through this one bite without throwing up? I just wasted 3 hours and $30 for this crap!"

People of the world! Hear my words! The time to end this nonsense is now! Who told you that slathering sweet syrups and spices all over your ham was delicious? Your parents? Not likely. It's not just The Food Network, the fancy celebrity chefs, and the snotty food columnists across the globe who needed something different to shovel down our throats because they ran out of ideas; it's also backed by the sugar "industry" (more like cartel) who got tired of seeing low-sugar, diet products gaining popularity. THEY don't want us to eat healthy. THEY don't want us to enjoy the savory goodness of our meat anymore. It's all about money to them. I can see straight through their deceit and lies.

And THIS! THIS HAM is the pinnacle, the granddaddy of them all! This is why I do what I do. This is why I will never stop my quest to save the world of this sweet meat ridiculousness. BEHOLD: Sweet and Spicy Rubbed Ham.
Brought to you from the sick minds at quickandsimple.com. Look at those ingredients! Just LOOK at what you would be putting in your mouth if you made this!

• 6 pound(s) (fully cooked smoked) bone-in ham
• 1/2 cup(s) (packed ) brown sugar
  
• 1/3 cup(s) maple syrup
  
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) (ground) mustard
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) (ground) cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground ginger
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground cloves
• dash ground nutmeg
• cinnamon sticks
• red seedless grapes

I don't feel there is anything else to say. Don't listen to what society is telling you to eat. Listen to your heart.

"Italian" Wedge Salad is not very Italian

Italian Wedge - a la carte

Applewood smoked bacon, candied pecans, gorgonzola, roma tomatoes, apple slices with roasted garlic ranch.

- Just like an Italian would make right? Just because you put garlic in your ranch it doesn't count as being Italian. Worst of all is the inclusion of apple slices and candied pecans! Just because two things have one characteristic in common, crispness, in this case it doesn't mean they're meant to go together.

• Crisco and yogurt are both creamy but you don't mix those together.
  

• Chocolate and mashed potatoes are both smooth but you don't mix those together.

It's just sad that Italian restaurants are feeling pressured to serve up this crap. It's simple. Don't order this salad and especially don't pretend to like it if you do. You're not fooling anyone and you're not impressing your date. Matter of fact, you eat this salad and you'll likely get dumped because of your horrible taste in food. Just sayin...

Landry's Fruit Filled Seafood of Shame

So, Landry's Seafood House here in H-town came out with this new promotion where they serve you a big plate of expensive fruit filled seafood and they video tape your pukey reactions on hidden cameras and then sell it to some TV show for some big time laughs as viewers watch these people come in and order up the equivalent of a huge plate of jokes on them! I mean listen to these descriptions:

• Applejack Sea Bass topped with apples and sun-dried cherries, simmered in a sweet bourbon reduction.
• Pecan Cranberry Crusted Mahi served with apple blue cheese slaw.
• Crispy Duck with Grand Marnier cranberry demi, served with vanilla bean sweet potato mash.

Who are you trying to kid Landry? You're not serving seafood entrees! You're serving dessert!

As you choke down the second bite of your $30 dish the bile in your own throat can't stay down and you end up spewing chunks all over the place! It's TV ratings gold! I'm expecting a phone call from Fox or Spike anyday wanting to hear the pitch.

Mo's bacon choco chip pancake mix

"Bacon lovers, rejoice! This pancake mix is all about your favorite breakfast meat. Featuring a delicious buttermilk pancake mix and Vosges Chocolates’ famous Mo Bacon Bar chips, it’s the perfect mix of salty, smoky, and sweet! All natural. 16 oz. Shelf life of 6 months. About 7” tall - $14.

Are you freakin kidding me?! Perfect mix of salty, smoky, and sweet is akin to saying there's such a thing as a perfect mix of babies, kittens, and hand grenades! This is not the first time ol Mo has crossed the well established no sweet meat line in the sand: Mo's Bacon Bar. This guy has to go - no question.

Who's with me for getting some kind of class action lawsuit going for Mo? There has got to be some kind of repeat offender clause. I'll look into the No Sweet Meat bylaws and get back with you.

Latest Discovery of Impending Doom Upon the Earth

I give you, the Fool's Gold Stack and Fool's Gold Loaf Sandwhich:

Pancakes layered between peanut butter and bacon and topped with maple syrup.

A loaf of hollowed out bread filled with creamy peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon.



The human race is destined for destruction as a result of this.

Vegan Maple Bacon (puke) Latte

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aguMoJq44XY

This is wrong on so many levels. Anthony Bourdain of the Travel Channel's No Reservations has made me want to gouge my eyes out by drinking a Vegan Maple Bacon Latte. I understand if no one reads any further on this post because your probably sprinting down the hall to your bathroom trying not to let the vomit escape your pie-hole. That's why I keep my trashcan by the computer! It's actually still full from when I watched the youtube clip!

Let me know what you think.

Hawaiian Rolls are NOT exotic!

You want to know the fastest way to ruin a dinner roll? Add some sugar! What's the big deal about Hawaiian Rolls anyway? Do you really think that the Hawaiian's like this crap? I guarantee you they don't serve Hawaiian rolls at a traditional luau! The last thing I'm thinking about eating with my pig and poi is a sweet roll.

I know I talk a lot about my mom's cooking which was awesome 80% of time, but the other 20% comes from serving up violations like carrot raisin puke (see post below if you need a good cry) and King's Hawaiian Rolls with our Sunday roast, mashed potatoes, and gravy. I'm not going to sop up my gravy with that! You don't sop up vanilla pudding with jalapeno garlic toast do you? Tell you what; next time you have some gravy with your meal invite me over and I'll bring some oreos for you to dunk. Don't try to act like you'd do it either just for the sake of arguing.

Stop lying to yourself!

Carrot Raisin Salad and a Scarred Childhood

Where it all began...

The year was 1983. I was a young boy sitting at the dinner table on a Sunday afternoon. Alone. No mother, father, or sister to sit with me. Actually they had already finished eating their food, and so had I; except for one thing. There in front of me was a big pile of carrot raisin salad. "But I don't want to eat it!" I would insist. "You're not getting up until you do!" came my mother's response. This scene had already been played out several times over the course of the meal. It's not like I hadn't eaten anything else...actually my plate was spotless everywhere else. So what was so special about this "salad" that I had to sit there and eat it? I found it hard to believe that my mom and dad actually liked the stuff. I knew my sister hated it too judging by her distorted face as she hurriedly forked bite after bite into her mouth while holding her nose. But she did it. Then she abandoned me too.

I tried crying. I tried reasoning. I tried bargaining. I tried being mean. My mom was not human. She didn't budge. As a matter of fact of all this was only sealing her resolve. There was no way of getting out of this. It's time. I scooped up a hefty fork full of luke-warm carrot raisin salad and looked at it. "I don't even like carrots by themselves. I don't even go out of my way to eat raisins." The nose thing got my sister through it. Maybe it would work for me too. Left hand fingers holding the nose, mouth open, eyes closed for good measure, and a right hand holding a pile of gross on a fork.

In my mouth it went. "What the heck happened! The nose thing isn't working! I can still taste it...and it tastes...absolutely horrid!" Out of pure shock my left hand quickly abandons post and relinquishes my nose. My jaw - now in total disbelief that it was being forced to chew something so awful starts a full sprint. "Swallow dang it! Swallow! Can't! Must chew some more." My eyes start to water up. I glance over towards the kitchen to see if mom was watching. Of course she was eying me like a hawk. I felt betrayed just as much as I felt like spitting the food out of my mouth. A drink of milk finally washes away the dreadful substance. Pieces raisin were still stuck in my teeth. The aftertaste of a sweet and savory avalanche of gut-wrenching food lingered. I was beaten. KO'd. My will to live was gone. But at least the nightmare that would haunt me for the rest of my life was over...

"Not so fast young man! You still have two more bites of carrot raisin salad on your plate."

Sweet Beef Jerky = Fun at Work

It's time we discuss how the state of Beef Jerky has gone to hell in a handbag. I always assumed beef jerky to be a snack consumed by the manliest of men. Seasoned and dried meat that has to be carnally torn apart by the teeth of a wild man. A power packed piece of protein that served as a source of nourishment for someone eating this meal like it's his last.

Enter beef jerky 2009. A soft textured beef(?) like substance soaked in sugar water before being pumped with perservatives, bagged, and sold to the masses at Walmart. Take a look at the ingredient list. Even on the peppered and original; third or fourth ingredient is sugar! What happened to the real beef jerky? The kind you can still get at a select few smokehouses along lonely stretches of Texas highways like Woody's. The kind that takes an hour to gnarl your way through a one ounce piece. Not this Oberto or Jack's Links crap that comes with flavors like Teriyaki, Sweet & Hot & Maple. There's a whole site dedicated to this farce. Man up people! Eat food the way it was meant to be.

Now I want everyone to play my favorite game; real life application! The next time you're at the Outback or Saltgrass Steakhouse, when your steak arrives at the table, instead of reaching for the A1, salt, or liquid smoke, reach on over and grab yourself 4 or 5 sugar packets. Tear em open and pour it over your steak. Eat it. Enjoy it. What's wrong? Is that grossing you out? OF COURSE IT IS! YOU JUST PUT SUGAR ALL OVER YOUR FREAKIN STEAK! WHAT'D YOU EXPECT YOU DIMWIT? Go back to eating tofu and grass.

Why would you not do that in a million years, but turn around and grab a bag of sugar infused jerky at the grocery store the next day. Because you're a hypocrite! Stop living the lie! Join me and help me open people's eyes to this sickness.

Thisiswhyyourefat.com

This website is opening a lot of eyes to repulsive obsession that has taken over America. That obsession? No, not fattening foods; worse. I want you to go visit the website (www.thisiswhyyourefat.com) and scroll through the all the pictures and then come right back to this blog.

I'll give you a moment.

Welcome back. Okay I need you to answer the following questions:
1. What pictures disgusted you the most?

2. What pictures did you say "That's just not right!"?

3. What pictures made you throw-up in your coffee mug?

4. Which pictures caused you to convulse uncontrollably and gouge your eyes out with a spoon and jump out of your fifth floor window of your condo and pray that your kids would never have to see or consume such horrors?

The fact is; for the answer to those questions you were thinking about all the vile creations that contained something sweet and meat. Don't deny it. What part of your soul said "I'd eat that candied bacon ice-cream or that Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe?" Just to cement my claim that some of these creations would make you want to ram your head through your computer monitor I'd like to show you all the No Sweet Meat Club violations courtesy of thisiswhyyourfat.com.

An easy one to start: Appie pie topped with Cheddar Cheese. Not the worst violation, but still inexcusable.

The waffle cone dog. What's that brown oozing substance?

Krispy Kreme hamburgers. Nothing new, but noteworthy because of the volume which implies either one of two things: 1. The demand is high enough for the justification of making that many; 2. (more likely) They made this many thinking people would actually like it. They sold one, had to answer a lot of questions to the police after the victim taste-tester died, and had a bunch left over.

One the worst - the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe.

An even worse version of the donut sandwhich. A chocolate donut sandwhich. Dunkin Donuts won't be getting a Christmas card this year. They'll only be getting a box of my vomit.

"Hot Beef Sundae? I'm sorry, it sounded like you said 'Hot Beef Sundae'"
French Toast Sandwhich. I see a receipt. Someone actually wasted their money on this stack 0 crap.
And now for the grand finale!!! It's my favorite sweet meat violations. People jacking with my beloved bacon. What is people's obsession with screwing up bacon? You people don't realize how hard this is to post this crap. I am literally sick to my stomach while posting these pictures. Why do I do it? I do it to show you the obsurdity, the disgusting nature of our culinary trends. This too will pass. And I will be at the helm of the rebellion.

Chocolate covered bacon burger.

Donut with bacon sprinkles.
Candied bacon ice-cream.
Bacon chocolate chip cookies.

If your crying right now it's okay. You've finally hit rock bottom and realize that you've been lied to all along. That deep down you regret the sweet meat creations you've experimented with in the past. The flood of emotions is coming out now. Go with it. I'm here. I understand. Let it all out. You're not alone.

Beating a Dead Horse - Chocolate Bacon Style

Mo's Bacon Bar

I know we've been through this before (Chocolate Covered Bacon), but I can't let stuff like this go. Saw this website and instinctively threw my computer monitor across the room. So now I'm typing this while using my back-up 13" monochromatic monitor! Seriously, what is people's obsession with screwing up my beloved bacon.

I want to share with you the product description:
Breathe…engage your five senses, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Be in the present moment, notice the color of the chocolate, the glossy shine. Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate. Snap off just a tiny piece and place it in your mouth, let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue.

Mo's Bacon Bar: applewood smoked bacon + Alder wood smoked salt + deep milk chocolate, 41% cacao

Jalapeno Jelly is not Exempt

The question was recently asked to me by someone all too familiar with my disdain for sweet and savory items: Does Jalapeno Jelly really count as a no sweet meat item? Well the answer is simply "yes moron you disgust me".

While technically jalapenos are meat, they are something that should never cross over into the world of sweet. A jalapeno is a vegetable (don't get scientific - I know what makes fruit fruit). Vegetables should never be combined with any type of sugar substance. This includes such aberrations as carrot-raisin casserole, syrupy bacon-wrapped green bean bundles, and sweet pickles.

Next question: Does jalapeno jelly have sugar in it? Absolutely. You should go back to kindergarten if you didn't know this. All jellies have sugar. Here is a typical recipe for Jalapeno Jelly:

• 1 large green bell pepper
• 12 jalapeno peppers
• 1 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar
• 1 pinch salt
• 4 1/4 cups granulated sugar
• 4 ounces liquid pectin
• 4 jalapeno peppers, seeded and finely chopped

All the recipes online vary, but the key ingredients are the same - jalapenos and sugar.

I'll conclude with my favorite game which is "if you'll eat that, then why not eat this!"
Today's examples of Why Not Eat This are:
Squash Jelly
Pearl Onion Preserves
Asparagus Jam
Bok Choy Jelly
Radish Jelly
Green Bean Jam
Broccoli Jelly

Why not? You tell me! And the next time you take a bite of jalapeno jelly, I want you to swirl it around in you mouth and really, honestly ask yourself if it's really all that good. I already know the answer.

They went there...

http://www.lollyphile.com/maple-bacon.php

Go ahead, take a look. You'll quickly find yourself lost for words. Why?
Is it because you can't believe someone would make a bacon flavored lolli-pop? No, that's not it.
Is it because you're bracing for the apocalyptic consequences for the merging of such flavors? Nope, not it either.
Actually, it's probably because as soon as you saw the words "Maple-Bacon Lollipops" your mouth instantly filled with warm, chunky vomit like mine.



There has to be some kind of sweet meat conspiracy movement out there. I don't know what your purpose is or why you do what you do, but know this; I'm on to you and I will not rest until the whole world's eyes are open to your twisted and unnatural agenda.

Holiday Barf-Fest Courtesy of Rachael Ray December/January 08-09 Issue

What holiday season wouldn't be complete without Rach ruining some otherwise perfectly delicious meals! Trust me, just because you add cranberry's to something it doesn't make it good. Here's a new year's resolution for Rachael and her editors: STOP COMBINING THE SWEET WITH THE MEAT!

Here's the list of Rachael's gag-inducing recipes to start the new year:
- Honey-Almond Corned Beef Special
- Monte-Cristo Club (leave out the applesauce and you're fine)
- Orange Balsamic Chicken Thighs w/ Pecans & Sage Butter Pasta
- Sausage-Stuffed Chicken Breasts w/ Marsala & Cranberry-Orange Polenta
- Brisket w/ Sweet-Potato Tzimmes
- Winter White Burger
- Sticky Spiced-Apricot Meatloaf
- Napa Cabbage, Carrot & Almond Slaw w/ Honey
- Sausage, Fennel and Apple Skewers

I'll admit her numbers for this month were down, but the nausea factor is still sky-high. Don't agree? Put some apricots in your meatloaf and let me know how it turns out.