Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Just in time for Christmas! The worst ham recipe in the known Universe!

I've been waiting for the one perfect ham recipe to cross my path this year (and by perfect I mean the perfectly disgusting combination of sweet and meat). Why only one example when there are so many ways to ruin a ham? Well that was last year's post: It's Christmas, Let's Ruin a Ham! This year I wanted just one. One that was so gut retching, so ralph inducing that it took me hours just to calm my gag reflexes enough to write this post. I cannot possibly imagine what is going through someone's mind when they take the first bite. Maybe it's "Where can I spit this out? How can I get through this one bite without throwing up? I just wasted 3 hours and $30 for this crap!"

People of the world! Hear my words! The time to end this nonsense is now! Who told you that slathering sweet syrups and spices all over your ham was delicious? Your parents? Not likely. It's not just The Food Network, the fancy celebrity chefs, and the snotty food columnists across the globe who needed something different to shovel down our
throats because they ran out of ideas; it's also backed by the sugar "industry" (more like cartel) who got tired of seeing low-sugar, diet products gaining popularity. THEY don't want us to eat healthy. THEY don't want us to enjoy the savory goodness of our meat anymore. It's all about money to them. I can see straight through their deceit and lies.

And THIS! THIS HAM is the pinnacle, the granddaddy of them all! This is why I do what I do. This is why I will never stop my quest to save the world of this sweet meat ridiculousness. BEHOLD: Sweet and Spicy Rubbed Ham.

Brought to you from the sick minds at Look at those ingredients! Just LOOK at what you would be putting in your mouth if you made this!
  • 6 pound(s) (fully cooked smoked) bone-in ham
  • 1/2 cup(s) (packed ) brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup(s) maple syrup
  • 1/2 teaspoon(s) (ground) mustard
  • 1/8 teaspoon(s) (ground) cinnamon
  • 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground ginger
  • 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground cloves
  • dash ground nutmeg
  • cinnamon sticks
  • red seedless grapes
I don't feel there is anything else to say. Don't listen to what society is telling you to eat. Listen to your heart.

1 comment:

  1. Charles says; Seems like a delicious recipe to me!