So the French came up with this sandwich croque-monsieur. Then America turned into around and turned it into a long-standing Sweet-Meat violator. Well then, what exactly is a monte-cristo then? Defined by the food dictionary - it's "A sandwich consisting of slices of cooked chicken or turkey, cheese (usually Swiss) and sometimes baked ham. The sandwich is dipped into beaten egg and grilled in butter until golden brown."
Please note the absence of any powdered sugar or jam. The notion that adding sugar and jam to your sandwich makes it better defies comprehension. I blame Bennigans. They were the first to mainstream this sandwich. They ruined it for everyone. I remember going there when I was a teen and returning the meal because it had powdered sugar on it after one bite. Take a good look at these stomach curd inducing pictures of a perfectly ruined sandwich.
I'm not even going into the health part of adding sugar and jam to fried sandwich. Let's just talk about the taste. What part of your sick mind thinks that a ham and cheese sandwich needs sugar and jelly? Why can't a sandwich be a sandwich and french toast toppings be just that? Think about this the next time you're making yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Swap the peanut butter for some turkey lunchmeat and pour some sugar over the top. I'm sure it will taste every bit as disgusting as it sounds.
It's like what Jeff Goldblum, the Chaos Theorist, said in Jurassic Park, "your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." The monte cristo is like a velociraptor. You think you're eating the sandwich but it fact it's really eating your empty sweet-meat loving soul. It's good thing that I, Sam Neil, am here to outwit that sandwich and send it back to the Cretaceous period where it belongs!
The question was recently asked to me by someone all too familiar with my disdain for sweet and savory items: Does Jalapeno Jelly really count as a no sweet meat item? Well the answer is simply "yes moron you disgust me".
While technically jalapenos are meat, they are something that should never cross over into the world of sweet. A jalapeno is a vegetable (don't get scientific - I know what makes fruit fruit). Vegetables should never be combined with any type of sugar substance. This includes such aberrations as carrot-raisin casserole, syrupy bacon-wrapped green bean bundles, and sweet pickles.
Next question: Does jalapeno jelly have sugar in it? Absolutely. You should go back to kindergarten if you didn't know this. All jellies have sugar. Here is a typical recipe for Jalapeno Jelly:
- 1 large green bell pepper
- 12 jalapeno peppers
- 1 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar
- 1 pinch salt
- 4 1/4 cups granulated sugar
- 4 ounces liquid pectin
- 4 jalapeno peppers, seeded and finely chopped
All the recipes online vary, but the key ingredients are the same - jalapenos and sugar.
I'll conclude with my favorite game which is "if you'll eat that, then why not eat this!"
Today's examples of Why Not Eat This are:
Squash Jelly
Pearl Onion Preserves
Asparagus Jam
Bok Choy Jelly
Radish Jelly
Green Bean Jam
Broccoli Jelly
Why not? You tell me! And the next time you take a bite of jalapeno jelly, I want you to swirl it around in you mouth and really, honestly ask yourself if it's really all that good. I already know the answer.
It's like what Jeff Goldblum, the Chaos Theorist, said in Jurassic Park, "your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." The monte cristo is like a velociraptor. You think you're eating the sandwich but it fact it's really eating your empty sweet-meat loving soul. It's good thing that I, Sam Neil, am here to outwit that sandwich and send it back to the Cretaceous period where it belongs!
