Jalapeno Jelly is not Exempt

The question was recently asked to me by someone all too familiar with my disdain for sweet and savory items: Does Jalapeno Jelly really count as a no sweet meat item? Well the answer is simply "yes moron you disgust me".

While technically jalapenos are meat, they are something that should never cross over into the world of sweet. A jalapeno is a vegetable (don't get scientific - I know what makes fruit fruit). Vegetables should never be combined with any type of sugar substance. This includes such aberrations as carrot-raisin casserole, syrupy bacon-wrapped green bean bundles, and sweet pickles.

Next question: Does jalapeno jelly have sugar in it? Absolutely. You should go back to kindergarten if you didn't know this. All jellies have sugar. Here is a typical recipe for Jalapeno Jelly:

• 1 large green bell pepper
• 12 jalapeno peppers
• 1 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar
• 1 pinch salt
• 4 1/4 cups granulated sugar
• 4 ounces liquid pectin
• 4 jalapeno peppers, seeded and finely chopped

All the recipes online vary, but the key ingredients are the same - jalapenos and sugar.

I'll conclude with my favorite game which is "if you'll eat that, then why not eat this!"
Today's examples of Why Not Eat This are:
Squash Jelly
Pearl Onion Preserves
Asparagus Jam
Bok Choy Jelly
Radish Jelly
Green Bean Jam
Broccoli Jelly

Why not? You tell me! And the next time you take a bite of jalapeno jelly, I want you to swirl it around in you mouth and really, honestly ask yourself if it's really all that good. I already know the answer.

It’s Christmas! Let’s Ruin a Ham!

Just like Thanksgiving has turkey to screw up with cranberry sauce, Christmas has ham to screw up with a huge assortment of sweet tasting crap that is poured, rubbed, and baked on. Let's explore some of these perversions of the culinary world!

My favorite, the pineapple ham with cherries!
Then there's brown sugar and honey. You know I was at the store the other day and hams were on sale so I was looking through them and they only had two kinds: brown sugar rubbed and honey baked! No other choices! I felt like complaining to the manager.

The list of vomit inducing ham recipes continues:

• Apple-Mustard Glazed Ham
• Apricot Glazed Ham
• Baked Ham with Balsamic Brown Sugar Glaze
• Baked Ham with Brown Sugar Glaze
• Baked Ham with Honey-Apricot Glaze
• Baked Ham with Maple-Mustard Sauce
• Baked Ham with Peaches
• Baked Ham with Pineapple and Seeded Mustard Glaze
• Baked Ham with Spiced Apples and Pears
• Baked Ham with Waldorf Sauce
• Cherry-Glazed Pork Loin Roast
• Cider-Baked Ham
• Citrus Glazed Ham
• Cracklin' Roast Fresh Ham with Cider Mustard Gravy
• Cranberry and Pecan Crusted Rack of Pork
• Cranberry Citrus-Glazed Pork Roast
• Cranberry Glazed Ham
• Cranberry Glazed Pork Roast
• Cranberry-Onion Pork Roast
• Crown Roast of Pork With Rice d'Orange
• Easy Glazed Ham
• Festive Pineapple Glazed Ham
• Fruity Holiday Pork Roast
• Glazed Ham
• Glazed Ham with Pecan Crust
• Glazed Ham with Pineapple-Raisin Sauce
• Glazed Pork Loin Roast
• Glazed Smoked Ham
• Ham with Cherry Glaze
• Ham with Cider Glaze
• Ham with Cranberry Glaze
• Ham with Curemaster's Glaze
• Ham with Honey Mustard Glaze
• Ham with Peach Chutney
• Ham with Pineapple Sauce
• Ham with Spiced Cherry Sauce
• Holiday Coca Cola Baked Ham

Some observations about the list above: I LOVE Coca-Cola, but not on my ham. Why don't you reverse the order and have yourself a Ham Coke! Puree some ham and stir it up in some Coke. Enjoy!

Also, the Waldorf sauced Ham: Here's the recipe
-4 pound fully-cooked smoked boneless ham
2 cups apple juice or apple cider
2 inches stick cinnamon
1/2 cup sliced celery
1 tablespoon butter or margarine
1 cup chopped apple
1/4 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
2 tablespoons raisins
1 tablespoon brown sugar

Anyone know what that sounds like? An apple pie with ham and celery! Does anyone else see how gross this is. It's gone too far. It's time to stop defiling our ham with these sweet sauces.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for reading! 2009 is going to be a breakout year for the NoSweetMeat club. Join the group, subscribe to the blog, and by all means DON'T EAT SWEET MEAT!