It’s Christmas! Let’s Ruin a Ham!

Just like Thanksgiving has turkey to screw up with cranberry sauce, Christmas has ham to screw up with a huge assortment of sweet tasting crap that is poured, rubbed, and baked on. Let's explore some of these perversions of the culinary world!

My favorite, the pineapple ham with cherries!
Then there's brown sugar and honey. You know I was at the store the other day and hams were on sale so I was looking through them and they only had two kinds: brown sugar rubbed and honey baked! No other choices! I felt like complaining to the manager.

The list of vomit inducing ham recipes continues:

• Apple-Mustard Glazed Ham
• Apricot Glazed Ham
• Baked Ham with Balsamic Brown Sugar Glaze
• Baked Ham with Brown Sugar Glaze
• Baked Ham with Honey-Apricot Glaze
• Baked Ham with Maple-Mustard Sauce
• Baked Ham with Peaches
• Baked Ham with Pineapple and Seeded Mustard Glaze
• Baked Ham with Spiced Apples and Pears
• Baked Ham with Waldorf Sauce
• Cherry-Glazed Pork Loin Roast
• Cider-Baked Ham
• Citrus Glazed Ham
• Cracklin' Roast Fresh Ham with Cider Mustard Gravy
• Cranberry and Pecan Crusted Rack of Pork
• Cranberry Citrus-Glazed Pork Roast
• Cranberry Glazed Ham
• Cranberry Glazed Pork Roast
• Cranberry-Onion Pork Roast
• Crown Roast of Pork With Rice d'Orange
• Easy Glazed Ham
• Festive Pineapple Glazed Ham
• Fruity Holiday Pork Roast
• Glazed Ham
• Glazed Ham with Pecan Crust
• Glazed Ham with Pineapple-Raisin Sauce
• Glazed Pork Loin Roast
• Glazed Smoked Ham
• Ham with Cherry Glaze
• Ham with Cider Glaze
• Ham with Cranberry Glaze
• Ham with Curemaster's Glaze
• Ham with Honey Mustard Glaze
• Ham with Peach Chutney
• Ham with Pineapple Sauce
• Ham with Spiced Cherry Sauce
• Holiday Coca Cola Baked Ham

Some observations about the list above: I LOVE Coca-Cola, but not on my ham. Why don't you reverse the order and have yourself a Ham Coke! Puree some ham and stir it up in some Coke. Enjoy!

Also, the Waldorf sauced Ham: Here's the recipe
-4 pound fully-cooked smoked boneless ham
2 cups apple juice or apple cider
2 inches stick cinnamon
1/2 cup sliced celery
1 tablespoon butter or margarine
1 cup chopped apple
1/4 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
2 tablespoons raisins
1 tablespoon brown sugar

Anyone know what that sounds like? An apple pie with ham and celery! Does anyone else see how gross this is. It's gone too far. It's time to stop defiling our ham with these sweet sauces.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for reading! 2009 is going to be a breakout year for the NoSweetMeat club. Join the group, subscribe to the blog, and by all means DON'T EAT SWEET MEAT!

Rachael Ray crimes against humanity report - Nov. 2008

I'll give Rach (that's what I call her since we're friends) credit where credit is due; she's getting increasingly disgusting. Not her, her recipes. I know she's too busy to write all the recipes, but she still has to sign off on them. So, I imagine she gets a pile of recipes from her writers and as she's thumbing through them she'll actually locked her eyes on something like "Fruit 'n' Nut Couscous Stuffing" and say to herself, "Yummo!" So for that, I blame her. I dare anyone out there to eat said recipe (page 60) and tell me its good. I DARE YOU.
Disclaimer: I'm not responsible for cleaning up your spew.

So, here are the other offending recipes for November:
- Turkey-Cranberry Strudel
- Chicken w Apples, Pears, and Camembert Mashed Potatoes
- Turkey-Tyme Meatloaf Patties w Mashed Sweet Potatoes
- Turkey Cutlets w Herb Gravy and Celery-Apple Salad
- Apple and Date Stuffing
- (the Turkey Monte-Cristo is fine as long as you keep the cranberry sauce at least 9.75' away)
- Pumpkin Potatoe Pie
- Campaign Trail Mix
- Bipartisan Salad

She's had worse months, but still, every recipe mentioned is a crime against humanity.

Hey Rach, call me over for dinner one day. Fix some of these recipes for me. If you actually eat this crap and can keep it down, I'll eat it too (but may not be able to keep it down). I don't think you can do it.

Paula Dean Makes Me Ill

You know Paula Dean? The lady from the food network that puts butter on everything? Well, I'm a big fan of butter. However, I am not a big fan of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv8yEMRDe_w

It's one of those things you wish you could unsee. That video will haunt my dreams.

Thanksgiving Day Horrors

People say "Come on, I really wasn't that bad was it?" And I say resoundingly "YES it was." My father-in-law piles up a plate of food 4 inches tall and mixed in with all the great turkey, vegetables, and casseroles was an enormous scoop of jellied cranberry sauce. Not only the cranberry sauce, but also the sweet potatoe casserole (the kind with brown sugar and toasted marshmellows on top). Then he would comment on how great the food was as he shoveled a fork-full of marshmallow, squash-casserole, and turkey into his mouth.

Can't we all just be a little more civilized people? Out of necessity I'm sure the cavemen mixed their food without prejudice, but why do we still insist on combining all our foods. Can you really justify making some "sweet slaw" like my aunt did this weekend? Sweet slaw = celery, sugar, cabbage, apples, and mayo. My uncle had the nerve to ask if I wanted to try it. I'd rather put a razor to the soles of my feet.

My parents served honey-ham. They claim it wasn't but I know better.

A couple days after Thanksgiving my grandmother served up some sweet spaghetti for everyone (sugar poured into the sauce). To be fair and non-hypocritical I tried a teaspoon of the concoction. AND NEARLY DID A SPIT-TAKE RIGHT IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S FACE! People tell me to have an open-mind. Well I did and look what happened! I ate that crap and hated it with an open-mind.

Damn all you sweet-meat lovers and your twisted influence on this great nation's dinner tables. Somewhere an indian is crying over your atrocities.

Turn your ways before Thanksgiving 09. It's not too late.

Happy Thanksgiving!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL HUMANITY, KEEP THE CRANBERRY SAUCE AWAY FROM THE TURKEY!

Everyday Barf-fest with Rachael Ray; September & October Report

So Rach (I call her Rach because I don't know her) is known for cooking up some great recipes such as Cajun Chicken Fingers or Austin Mac'n Cheese Suiza, but then as you all already know she goes out of her way to make sure that there is at least one recipe per issue that will literally make her readers do the technicolor yawn. I'm not a picky eater (except for the whole sweet-meat thing) but I seriously believe that she and the writers get toghether and try to come up with the sickest recipe known to man, then print it soley for the amusement of knowing that some poor schmuck out there will make it, eat it, and puke it. Anyway, here are some gag reflex excercising recipes for her September and October issues:

-Pork Skewers w/ Pinapple-Scallion Rice
- Honey mustard chicken with Potato Wedges
- Cod w/ Stewed Eggplant (coconut milk)
- Pineapple pork fried rice
- Tex-Mex sweetpotato tacos
- Waldorf Chef Salad
- Apricot-Balsamic Glazed Chicken
- Marinated Flank Steak w/ Sweet-hot slaw
- Smoky Pork Chops w/ Spicy Applesauce
- Creamy Chicken-Apple Chili
- Autumn Double Apple Salad
- Apple-Cheddar Turkey Burgers
- Adam's Baby Back Ribs w/ Apricot BBQ Glaze
- Cornbread Topped Bourbon BBQ Chicken (brown sugar, orange juice)
- Cucumber Melon Cooler
- Green Apple Salsa
- Tarragon Chicken Salad (grapes)
- Sweet Potatoes and Corn
- Spicy Cheese Fondue (the dip is fine but she recommends dipping apples in it)
- Apple juice pork with Squash and Golden Raisins
- Cocoa-Roasted Turkey
- Memphis style Baby back ribs
- Baked Beans with Burnt Ends
- Smoky-spicy sweet potato soup
- Savory ricotta waffles w. red-hot jam
- Pan-fried chops w/ grape salad
- Maple Sausage Stuffed Apples

That last one made me throw a little in my mouth. Seriously, you can't tell me that there wasn't one item in that list that didn't make you want to hurl!

Aidells Sausage is the Antichrist

So the other day I'm at the grocery store and I'm perusing the fine selection of bacon, sausage, links, brats and my eyes do a double-take when they scan across Aidell's Chicken & Apple Sausage. I thought to myself, "surely this is a mistake"; maybe they're just saying it has some apple flavoring (still gross) or was smoked with apple wood (yum!). NOPE! It was a literal reference to some chicken sausage with chopped up apples. So I do a search online and sure enough, here's the website: http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/

I don't want to say it gets worse because Chicken and Apple sausage is an abomination, but here are some additional freakish creations from Aidell:
Apricot Ginger Breakfast Links
Mango Sausage
Mango Breakfast Links
Spicy Mango and Jalepeno Sausage
Teriyaki and Pineapple Meatballs

They actually have some other decent looking sausages but I cannot go out in good conscience and purchase any of their other products because in a way that would be endorsing their immoral combinations of fruits and sausage.

Anyone actually tried this crap? Wait, here's a better question: Does anyone actually like this crap?! I can understand if you make a mistake and buy some or you're in college in that whole "experimenting" phase. But if you're buying this because you like it? Shame on you. Shame, Shame, Shame.

Offending Recipes in Everyday with Rachael Ray - August 2008

In an effort to convince all of you sweet meat haters out there that your cause is just, I want to once again show you what we are up against. As cute as Rachael Ray is, so many of her recipes absolutely disgust me! Not all of them. All kidding aside, I love a great deal of her food. For example, in the August 08 issue she has recipes for Corn and Salsa Tortilla Soup and Vegetable Manicotti; Delicious!

It's just that when she fails, she fails catastrophically. Here is the grand list of FAIL for Rachael Ray August 2008.
- Grilled Cheese Sandwiches with Spicy Grapefruit Salad
- Sweet Tart Ribs and Potato Zucchini Boats
- Chilled Cucumber Lime Soup
- Steak Quesadillas with Hot Peach Salsa
- Sweet Peach Chicken and Greens
- Jalapeno Mango Shrimp
- Sloppy Veg Head Joe (brown sugar)
- Red Waldorf Salad (grapes, cranberry sauce)
- Swordfish Zucchini Kebabs (nectarines)
- Grilled Strawberry Break

So sad...

Spicy Chocolate is as bad as it sounds!

So, anyone else noticed the trend lately to put spicy sauces or powders into chocolate dishes? I'm thinking, "What the hell is going on the world today?" You see, it goes both ways. You shouldn't put sweet things in savory or spicy dishes and conversely, you shouldn't put spicy things in sweet dishes!

Examples:
Brownies with Chili Powder
Habenero Caramels
Cayenne Chocolate bar
cherry-chipotle chocolate bar
Mexican Hot Chocolate - Ibarra
Chocolate cake with Chili Powder, Cinamon, and balsalmic vinegar
Spicy Chocolate chip cookies

So, when I did a little research, this is a very common combination which completely validates my point of view that people are mindless sheep who will follow anyone who says "This is good. I ate it in an expensive restaurant or saw it in a magazine." I bet the chefs add things like that on the menu just to see who's dumb enough to actually try it!

I can see it, the chef says, "I'll see just how far a tourist will go with the crap that I dish up. I'll start off with a normal cake; then I put a layer of fish spread in the middle; make the icing out of chocolate and tabasco sauce; and add some chocolate covered garlic cloves over the top." Then he'll charge $18 per slice and the tourist will buy it only because it's different and expensive. Problem is that the tourist will not only barely be able to contain himself from spewing all over the place, but then he'll go home and brag about the exotic dessert he ate on vacation. A trend is born...

Conclusion: Spicy chocolate leads me to think that there is no hope for the future.

Everyday with Rachael Ray magazine report for June/July 2008 issue

Cute little Rachael Ray is a perfect example of a celebrity chef who creates vile concoctions and publishes them in her magazine. I was amazed as I was thumbing through my wife's copy of this magazine to see how many recipes go against everything I believe in (no sweet meat).

Here is a list of offending recipes from just ONE issue!
- Chicken, Plum and Red Onion Kebabs
- Coconut Mango Chicken with Black Beans
- Salmon Steak with Grilled Pineapple and Corn
- Turkey Kebabs (contains Asain Pear wedges)
- Grape Stuffed Sausage Meatballs with Flatbread
- Grilled Pork Chops with Peachy Hot Salsa
- Georgia Peach Chicken Sandwiches
- Pan Fried Pork with Blueberries
- Chip Crusted Chicken Skewers (contains red grapes)
- Mini Peach and Pesto Pizzas
- Hawaiian Stacks

Seriously! Do you actually think Rachael has ever sunk her teeth into a chicken sandwich with peaches on it? I bet she would spit it out. You see, these chefs think that combining fruits and meats makes them a better and more critically acclaimed cook. But you know, they've probably never even tasted the crap they make up! I can play too.

Here's a recipe of my own called Southwest Blueberry Quesidillas:
Put one flour tortilla on a hot grill and layer with spicy shredded chicken, cilantro, corn, black beans, onions, and blueberry pie filling. Top with cheddar cheese and another flour tortilla. Cook each side for 5 minutes, slice into quarters and enjoy!

Food critics please send your praises and awards!

Food "Experts"

So what's the deal with all the chef's and food critics talking about sweet and savory in the same dish adding "balance"? What a load of bull! What does that mean anyway? Why should food be balanced and what makes the combination of sweet and savory the determining factor is this so-called balance?

Does unbalanced food not taste good? Does my pecan pie need some steak seasoning to make it balanced? How about some oreo crumbs sprinkled on top of my hot dog to balanced it out?

I have all these question marks in here but trust me people, they're rhetorical. Food does not need balance. It's a made up term foodies say when they're trying to sound intelligent. It's just like people making up descriptions for wine, but that's another topic. Sweet food is okay without the saltiness. Salty or spicy food is okay without the sweetness. End of story.

The World is Coming to an End

Today my eyes saw something that cannot be undone. My colleague across the hall is a photographer and showed me a picture of the most vile and unnatural food combination in the history of civilization. What makes this combo worse than the others? The fact that these are two of my most beloved foods...when they're apart! I'm talking about chocolate covered bacon. Admit it. You just threw up a little in your mouth didn't you. I'm sorry but this is for real. If you can stomach it, go take a look at the picture in the photo album. Seriously people! Is nothing sacred. Chocolate - GOOD! Bacon - GOOD! Chocolate Bacon - Barf Central.

A Terrible Discovery

My sister-in-law whom I always assumed was an intelligent human being shocked me with the revelation that she puts sugar in her spaghetti sauce. JUST POURS IT IN!!! After I cleaned up my vomit from the thought I quickly called a lawyer and asked if there is any form of legal separation from an in-law. Sadly there is not, but I can tell you this my sweet-meat hating friends, I will never eat with them without questioning the ingredients. If sugar in spaghetti is fair game, then what isn't? Strawberry jam spread on your corn on the cob?

Exactly.

So what exactly qualifies as being an offending food combination for people like me? Some of the obvious examples are:

• McGriddles
• Chicken salad with apples or raisans
• Honey baked ham
• Sweet N Sour anything
• Sausage or bacon with maple syrup
• Pineapple or "Hawaiian" Pizza
• Pineapple on Ham
• Cinnamon Apples on Pork Chops
• Cranberry sauce with Turkey
• Brown sugar baked beans
• Sugar in spaghetti sauce
• Mandarin Orange Salad
• Chocolate dipped pretzels
• Honey Barbeque Sauce
• Honey Mustard
• Monte Cristo sandwhiches

Are you getting the idea?

Welcome to the No Sweet Meat blog!

As a young boy I realized early on that I was different than all the other kids at school. I was different than my parents, my sister, and the rest of my family. They didn't understand. They still don't understand. What makes me different? When it comes to food, I DO NOT LIKE SWEET THINGS MIXED WITH MEAT. Or anything savory for that matter.

I was the outcast at Thanksgiving when I wouldn't put cranberry sauce on my turkey. I scoff at pineapples on my ham. I cringe at the thought of cinnamon apples with my pork chop. And finally I absolutely loathe getting the slightest bit of syrup on my breakfast sausage. And yes that is a picture of chocolate covered bacon (above). There are many more examples which I will be discussing in my blog.

Please, if you are like me and want to voice out your opinion of horror that is sweet meat, do it here. I know what you're going through.