You can't be serious. This has to be a joke.

I must be out of touch with the food world. Apparently overnight everyone started eating Grape Jelly Meatballs. I'm not making this up. I can't! I wouldn't!

It reminds of those "Grosser than Gross" jokes we'd come with as kids. It'd go something like this:
"What's grosser than gross?
Finding a cockroach in your Big Mac

What's grosser than that?
Finding half a cockroach in your Big Mac "

Funny stuff, I know. Ok, let me try one.
"What's grosser than gross?
- Putting grape jelly all over some meatballs
What's grosser than that?
- EATING IT!!!!"

Yep. Still funny. I win.

Tried the pineapple salsa...HATED IT!

So I was hanging out with some "friends" a few weeks ago and one of these "friends" had made some pineapple salsa. My "friend" knew very well about my utmost disdain for such concoctions. Regardless, I was accosted and pressured as if I was in junior high school again to try it cause I've never tried it before.

For some reason people think that I'll come around if I just try their version of some sweet/savory or sweet/meat violation. As if magically MY eyes will be opened and I'll get this big smile on my face and tears will start rolling down my cheeks as I'm overcome with gratefulness that they were able to lift the veil of darkness from my taste buds. Well guess what?

I gave in and tried some of the pineapple salsa that my "friend" was relentlessly offering. Not to be swayed into having to take a second bite if I didn't like it, I made sure that the content on the first chip was of a heaping portion. You'll never be able to guess what happened next... go on, guess...

I HATED IT! It was disgusting! The spicy bite of the onions mixed with the cilantro and fajita seasoning absolutely did NOT mix well the sweet and juicy pineapple! My face contorted and I politely swallowed the mess and got something to drink. They didn't have to ask if I liked it. They saw the look on my face.

Listen up. Let me be try to help you understand. Just because I haven't tried your crappy sweet meat recipe doesn't mean I won't know if I'll like it or not. That whole "Don't knock it till you've tried it" bit is weak. When you empty out your frig full of rotten leftovers, you don't have to taste it to know it's bad. I will occasionally give in for your own personal amusement. Don't ever question my resolve to rid this world of these vile combinations. You want to change me? Give me your best shot.

Thanksgiving Rules - NoSweetMeat edition

Just so we're all on the same page this Thanksgiving, I've decided to share with you some proper etiquette when preparing your non sweet meat meal.

1. No honey on the ham.


2. No brown sugar on the ham.


3. No cranberry sauce must touch the turkey. (see pictures)


4. Absolutely do not let the cranberry sauce get mixed in with the stuffing.


5. Don't let the cranberry sauce...you know what, just get a separate plate for the cranberry sauce.


6. Yams and sweet potatoes should be considered a dessert and therefore not allowed on the same plate as the other meats and vegtables.


7. Especially follow #6 if there are marshmellows on top of the sweet potatoes.


8. Don't fruit the stuffing. No apples, no raisins, no fruit in the stuffing. Ever.


9. Saw a recipe for Maple Dill Carrots. Don't make that.


10. No syrup in the green bean bundles.


11. Pineapples do not go on the ham.


12. Cinnamon apples belong on the dessert plate.


13. Baste the turkey with butter, olive oil, or its own broth. Not maple syrup or any other fruit juice.


14. Use dill relish in the deviled eggs instead of sweet relish.

In the spirit of the holiday I will allow all you sweet meat lovers to poison my blog with all your sweet meat, or sweet and savory, violations. Please leave a comment telling me about your favorite infraction so that I may verbally abuse you. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Puke of Monte Cristo

So the French came up with this sandwich croque-monsieur. Then America turned into around and turned it into a long-standing Sweet-Meat violator. Well then, what exactly is a monte-cristo then? Defined by the food dictionary - it's "A sandwich consisting of slices of cooked chicken or turkey, cheese (usually Swiss) and sometimes baked ham. The sandwich is dipped into beaten egg and grilled in butter until golden brown."















Please note the absence of any powdered sugar or jam. The notion that adding sugar and jam to your sandwich makes it better defies comprehension. I blame Bennigans. They were the first to mainstream this sandwich. They ruined it for everyone. I remember going there when I was a teen and returning the meal because it had powdered sugar on it after one bite. Take a good look at these stomach curd inducing pictures of a perfectly ruined sandwich.
I'm not even going into the health part of adding sugar and jam to fried sandwich. Let's just talk about the taste. What part of your sick mind thinks that a ham and cheese sandwich needs sugar and jelly? Why can't a sandwich be a sandwich and french toast toppings be just that? Think about this the next time you're making yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Swap the peanut butter for some turkey lunchmeat and pour some sugar over the top. I'm sure it will taste every bit as disgusting as it sounds.
It's like what Jeff Goldblum, the Chaos Theorist, said in Jurassic Park, "your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." The monte cristo is like a velociraptor. You think you're eating the sandwich but it fact it's really eating your empty sweet-meat loving soul. It's good thing that I, Sam Neil, am here to outwit that sandwich and send it back to the Cretaceous period where it belongs!

Man vs. Food - Saddlebags @ The Buff Restaurant

So I'm watching Man vs. Food on TV the other night and Adam the host goes to this place called The Buff where he orders (off the menu) some "Saddlebags". These saddlebags are described on their menu as "PANCAKES FILLED WITH YOUR CHOICE OF DICED BACON, SLICED SAUSAGE, OR DICED HAM, TOPPED WITH TWO EGGS".
What they fail to mention and show in this picture is that the entire plate is then subjected to a waterfall of maple syrup...ALL UP IN THERE. Adam is all closing his eyes and groaning, acting like he's enjoying it when in reality he's closing his eyes so he can picture himself in a world without sweet meat. And that groan was his gut reacting to the putrid combination hitting his taste buds and knowing that he can't spit it up while the camera is rolling. This is a despicable ploy for ratings.

I hope the owners of The Buff are happy that they've sold their soul for the sake of some publicity. You people disgust me.

Bacon Syrup now available to ruin your breakfast

What's the freakin' point anymore?! What are you sick people trying to prove? It's like you've stopped trying. The sweet-meat followers out there are getting lazy plain and simple. You can't even put real meat into your sick creations anymore. This syrup made by Torani only has "bacon" flavor. What a joke! Good luck trying to sell it.

Here's an idea for all you sweet meat glutens: make all your crazy disgusting creations into syrups! Pineapple ham syrup, maple sausage syrup, cranberry turkey syrup, mango salsa chicken syrup, or cinnamon apple pork chop syrup! YUMMY!

If you're really serious about this then why don't you make some meat only syrup like Torani did and pour it all up in your dessert? Add some roast beef syrup over your ice cream. Spruce up your cheesecake with some liver syrup. Hey there phony chef who makes sweet meat creations for your customers; why don't you start garnishing your desserts with meat syrup? "Pork butt syrup for your creme brulee sir? Mmm, that hits the spot!"

Listen up people. I believe that we are on the verge of an awakening. Tell me you don't see the ridiculousness of it all. I'm not advocating bland, uncreative food. I love food! I just don't understand how people can keep shoveling this crap into their mouths. Help me get the word the out and let's put an end to this nonsense.

April Fools! I can't believe you ate that!

It's official! Paula Dean has made the absolute most disgusting thing in the know universe! Although I vow to continue writing about all the travashamockeries of the sweet meat world, I cannot imagine anything being worse than her latest recipe: Cheesy Ham & Banana Casserole.
It’s a nasty combination of ham, bananas, bacon, cheese, and potato chips sandwiched between soggy, eggy slices of white bread. Thankfully, some of her followers are agreeing with me and making some funny comments on the recipe's webpage.

• "I think this is less of a recipe for food and more of a dare. Needs more chocolate syrup and cat food on top though."
• The combination of Ham, bananas and eggs is stomach churning, horrible experience.
• I was so embarrassed to serve this to guests . They couldn't even swallow it, and with reason. Does anyone ever taste these recipes before they are aired?
• It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. The slimmy banana's, hot at that, were awful. What were you thinking. The people who liked it must be out of their minds or have dead taste buds.
• I could not believe how truly bad it was, I actually gagged.

Finally some people out there are coming around to the No Sweet Meat side. People are waking up. A revolution is at hand! Food network may win the battle, but we will win the war!

Things I'd rather do than chew on a bacon flavored gumball:

Things I'd rather do than chew on a bacon flavored gumball:

1. Watch the Twilight Series
2. Drink liquid Crisco
3. Cut off my eyelids
4. Listen to disco music
   
5. Listen to country music
6. Swim in a sewage canal
7. Kick my bare foot against a brick wall
8. Watch Xanadu
9. Eat a well-done steak
10. Eat raw chicken
11. Use a slab of raw pork as a washcloth
12. Lick the edge of a piece of paper
13. Root for Tx A&M, Tx Tech, LSU, or Florida.
14. Go see a ballet
15. Yoga
16. Drive a minivan
17. Misspell a tattoo with my wife's name on my forehead
18. Become a Jehovah's Witness
19. Watch a WNBA game
20. Scrap off my taste buds with a microplane
21. Sit in an airtight room with a bag of burning hair
22. Take a bath with 1,000 snakes
23. Pour dish soap over a bowl of ice cream
24. Walk on broken glass
25. Wash my clothes in wolf urine
26. Eat a bowl of rutabagas
27. Get stuck on the "Small World" ride a Disney World for 3 days
28. Chinese water torture
29. Drink dirty bath water
30. Stick my hand in a blender

And that's about it.

The Emmy for "I'm Pretending to Love Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bars" goes to:

Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar: Video

This is a cleverly scripted mockumentary about the Food Network's Duff Goldman from the Ace of Cakes who claims that he LOVES a chocolate dessert bar with bacon all up in there. If the food network paid me millions of dollars to warp the minds of all you gullible sheep out there I'd do it too. So that's what he's doing here as he promotes this awesome looking chocolate bar...that is until they coat it with bacon bits! I mean come on, you have a perfectly awesome dessert. Why go and ruin it like that. No one in the world can convince me that by putting bacon on the top makes it soooo much better.

Picture your favorite food: mine is a perfectly cooked medium steak. Then right before I take the first bite of this savory strip of deliciousness I dunk it in a bowl of crushed up cherry lollipop. Then I try to convince everyone that it's delicious. BULL. CRAP. Listen up people; who is smarter? You or a Food Network producer? Exactly. You don't have to believe everything you see on TV. They're actors! They get paid to fake it! Someone give 'ol Duff an Emmy.

Here's a picture of the sickness. If you care to watch the rest of the train wreck then watch the video.

PS: I will give him bonus points for using the word "Celebacon".

Pei Wei Betrei'd Me

Before I begin, go get a large bucket. You're going to need it when you see this. Before I get to the pukey part let's talk about some good things to dip or coat chicken in. There's good 'ol ketchup, BBQ sauce (non-honey), soy sauce, mustard (non-honey), buffalo sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ranch, chili sauce, salsa, guacamole, cream gravy, and a few others. What's NOT on the list? Right, sweet stuff like honey, sugar, molasses, syrup, fruit, chocolate, and sweet and sour sauce. Evidently the "chefs" at Pei Wei asian grill are sadist who thought it would be a good idea to play one of the largest food pranks in American history. They all came up with one of the worst combinations in the known universe - just to see if we're gullible enough to try it. I present to you Pei Wei Caramel Chicken. Good one Pei Wei. Nice try. I'm not falling for it.

(now that your bucket is full of chuck aren't you glad you got it?) I've had to empty mine twice just while writing this post.

Ham IN the french toast.

Got this picture from a co-worker (who I was thinking about starting to refer to them as a friend, but not anymore) the other day. Let's first get the record straight; this crap ain't mine. How can you tell? Cause of the fork and knife marks in the styrofoam! I figured this person just bought this so they could take a picture and send it to me. I didn't expect them to actually eat a bite! Is that cheese too? Gross...Apparently our on-site cafetorium determined that it was not good enough to simply put a slice of ham off to the side of the french toast. No, some genius working there said, "I'm going to put this meat inside the french toast. Then I'll put some syrup and powdered sugar all up in there." So, I'm deciding to do what any rational level headed person would do when confronted with this travesty. I'm going to hijack the next shipment of bread, eggs, syrup, and ham going to the cafeteria. Since there are no cliffs the drive the truck off of, I'll plunge it into a lake or river. Then I'll be a hero. Don't thank me. Just doing my part.

2010: A New Decade. A New Revulsionary Concoction.

Take a look at this picture. Don't scroll down yet. What do you see?
A) Maggots eating a dead animal?
B) The insides of my stomach?
C) Your brain on sweet meat?
D) Bacon Bourbon Caramel Popcorn?

If you guessed A, B, or C you're so close! Unfortunately it's D. Let's bring in the new decade with some Bacon Bourbon Caramel Corn! Yep, you heard me. Bacon. Bourbon. Caramel. Corn.

I'd rather eat a big bucket of answers A, B, or C than this crap.