Things I'd rather do than chew on a bacon flavored gumball:

Things I'd rather do than chew on a bacon flavored gumball:

1. Watch the Twilight Series
2. Drink liquid Crisco
3. Cut off my eyelids
4. Listen to disco music
   
5. Listen to country music
6. Swim in a sewage canal
7. Kick my bare foot against a brick wall
8. Watch Xanadu
9. Eat a well-done steak
10. Eat raw chicken
11. Use a slab of raw pork as a washcloth
12. Lick the edge of a piece of paper
13. Root for Tx A&M, Tx Tech, LSU, or Florida.
14. Go see a ballet
15. Yoga
16. Drive a minivan
17. Misspell a tattoo with my wife's name on my forehead
18. Become a Jehovah's Witness
19. Watch a WNBA game
20. Scrap off my taste buds with a microplane
21. Sit in an airtight room with a bag of burning hair
22. Take a bath with 1,000 snakes
23. Pour dish soap over a bowl of ice cream
24. Walk on broken glass
25. Wash my clothes in wolf urine
26. Eat a bowl of rutabagas
27. Get stuck on the "Small World" ride a Disney World for 3 days
28. Chinese water torture
29. Drink dirty bath water
30. Stick my hand in a blender

And that's about it.

The Emmy for "I'm Pretending to Love Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bars" goes to:

Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar: Video

This is a cleverly scripted mockumentary about the Food Network's Duff Goldman from the Ace of Cakes who claims that he LOVES a chocolate dessert bar with bacon all up in there. If the food network paid me millions of dollars to warp the minds of all you gullible sheep out there I'd do it too. So that's what he's doing here as he promotes this awesome looking chocolate bar...that is until they coat it with bacon bits! I mean come on, you have a perfectly awesome dessert. Why go and ruin it like that. No one in the world can convince me that by putting bacon on the top makes it soooo much better.

Picture your favorite food: mine is a perfectly cooked medium steak. Then right before I take the first bite of this savory strip of deliciousness I dunk it in a bowl of crushed up cherry lollipop. Then I try to convince everyone that it's delicious. BULL. CRAP. Listen up people; who is smarter? You or a Food Network producer? Exactly. You don't have to believe everything you see on TV. They're actors! They get paid to fake it! Someone give 'ol Duff an Emmy.

Here's a picture of the sickness. If you care to watch the rest of the train wreck then watch the video.

PS: I will give him bonus points for using the word "Celebacon".