Thisiswhyyourefat.com

This website is opening a lot of eyes to repulsive obsession that has taken over America. That obsession? No, not fattening foods; worse. I want you to go visit the website (www.thisiswhyyourefat.com) and scroll through the all the pictures and then come right back to this blog.

I'll give you a moment.

Welcome back. Okay I need you to answer the following questions:
1. What pictures disgusted you the most?

2. What pictures did you say "That's just not right!"?

3. What pictures made you throw-up in your coffee mug?

4. Which pictures caused you to convulse uncontrollably and gouge your eyes out with a spoon and jump out of your fifth floor window of your condo and pray that your kids would never have to see or consume such horrors?

The fact is; for the answer to those questions you were thinking about all the vile creations that contained something sweet and meat. Don't deny it. What part of your soul said "I'd eat that candied bacon ice-cream or that Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe?" Just to cement my claim that some of these creations would make you want to ram your head through your computer monitor I'd like to show you all the No Sweet Meat Club violations courtesy of thisiswhyyourfat.com.

An easy one to start: Appie pie topped with Cheddar Cheese. Not the worst violation, but still inexcusable.

The waffle cone dog. What's that brown oozing substance?

Krispy Kreme hamburgers. Nothing new, but noteworthy because of the volume which implies either one of two things: 1. The demand is high enough for the justification of making that many; 2. (more likely) They made this many thinking people would actually like it. They sold one, had to answer a lot of questions to the police after the victim taste-tester died, and had a bunch left over.

One the worst - the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe.

An even worse version of the donut sandwhich. A chocolate donut sandwhich. Dunkin Donuts won't be getting a Christmas card this year. They'll only be getting a box of my vomit.

"Hot Beef Sundae? I'm sorry, it sounded like you said 'Hot Beef Sundae'"
French Toast Sandwhich. I see a receipt. Someone actually wasted their money on this stack 0 crap.
And now for the grand finale!!! It's my favorite sweet meat violations. People jacking with my beloved bacon. What is people's obsession with screwing up bacon? You people don't realize how hard this is to post this crap. I am literally sick to my stomach while posting these pictures. Why do I do it? I do it to show you the obsurdity, the disgusting nature of our culinary trends. This too will pass. And I will be at the helm of the rebellion.

Chocolate covered bacon burger.

Donut with bacon sprinkles.
Candied bacon ice-cream.
Bacon chocolate chip cookies.

If your crying right now it's okay. You've finally hit rock bottom and realize that you've been lied to all along. That deep down you regret the sweet meat creations you've experimented with in the past. The flood of emotions is coming out now. Go with it. I'm here. I understand. Let it all out. You're not alone.

Beating a Dead Horse - Chocolate Bacon Style

Mo's Bacon Bar

I know we've been through this before (Chocolate Covered Bacon), but I can't let stuff like this go. Saw this website and instinctively threw my computer monitor across the room. So now I'm typing this while using my back-up 13" monochromatic monitor! Seriously, what is people's obsession with screwing up my beloved bacon.

I want to share with you the product description:
Breathe…engage your five senses, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Be in the present moment, notice the color of the chocolate, the glossy shine. Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate. Snap off just a tiny piece and place it in your mouth, let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue.

Mo's Bacon Bar: applewood smoked bacon + Alder wood smoked salt + deep milk chocolate, 41% cacao

Jalapeno Jelly is not Exempt

The question was recently asked to me by someone all too familiar with my disdain for sweet and savory items: Does Jalapeno Jelly really count as a no sweet meat item? Well the answer is simply "yes moron you disgust me".

While technically jalapenos are meat, they are something that should never cross over into the world of sweet. A jalapeno is a vegetable (don't get scientific - I know what makes fruit fruit). Vegetables should never be combined with any type of sugar substance. This includes such aberrations as carrot-raisin casserole, syrupy bacon-wrapped green bean bundles, and sweet pickles.

Next question: Does jalapeno jelly have sugar in it? Absolutely. You should go back to kindergarten if you didn't know this. All jellies have sugar. Here is a typical recipe for Jalapeno Jelly:

• 1 large green bell pepper
• 12 jalapeno peppers
• 1 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar
• 1 pinch salt
• 4 1/4 cups granulated sugar
• 4 ounces liquid pectin
• 4 jalapeno peppers, seeded and finely chopped

All the recipes online vary, but the key ingredients are the same - jalapenos and sugar.

I'll conclude with my favorite game which is "if you'll eat that, then why not eat this!"
Today's examples of Why Not Eat This are:
Squash Jelly
Pearl Onion Preserves
Asparagus Jam
Bok Choy Jelly
Radish Jelly
Green Bean Jam
Broccoli Jelly

Why not? You tell me! And the next time you take a bite of jalapeno jelly, I want you to swirl it around in you mouth and really, honestly ask yourself if it's really all that good. I already know the answer.