April Fools! I can't believe you ate that!

It's official! Paula Dean has made the absolute most disgusting thing in the know universe! Although I vow to continue writing about all the travashamockeries of the sweet meat world, I cannot imagine anything being worse than her latest recipe: Cheesy Ham & Banana Casserole.
It’s a nasty combination of ham, bananas, bacon, cheese, and potato chips sandwiched between soggy, eggy slices of white bread. Thankfully, some of her followers are agreeing with me and making some funny comments on the recipe's webpage.

• "I think this is less of a recipe for food and more of a dare. Needs more chocolate syrup and cat food on top though."
• The combination of Ham, bananas and eggs is stomach churning, horrible experience.
• I was so embarrassed to serve this to guests . They couldn't even swallow it, and with reason. Does anyone ever taste these recipes before they are aired?
• It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. The slimmy banana's, hot at that, were awful. What were you thinking. The people who liked it must be out of their minds or have dead taste buds.
• I could not believe how truly bad it was, I actually gagged.

Finally some people out there are coming around to the No Sweet Meat side. People are waking up. A revolution is at hand! Food network may win the battle, but we will win the war!

Things I'd rather do than chew on a bacon flavored gumball:

Things I'd rather do than chew on a bacon flavored gumball:

1. Watch the Twilight Series
2. Drink liquid Crisco
3. Cut off my eyelids
4. Listen to disco music
   
5. Listen to country music
6. Swim in a sewage canal
7. Kick my bare foot against a brick wall
8. Watch Xanadu
9. Eat a well-done steak
10. Eat raw chicken
11. Use a slab of raw pork as a washcloth
12. Lick the edge of a piece of paper
13. Root for Tx A&M, Tx Tech, LSU, or Florida.
14. Go see a ballet
15. Yoga
16. Drive a minivan
17. Misspell a tattoo with my wife's name on my forehead
18. Become a Jehovah's Witness
19. Watch a WNBA game
20. Scrap off my taste buds with a microplane
21. Sit in an airtight room with a bag of burning hair
22. Take a bath with 1,000 snakes
23. Pour dish soap over a bowl of ice cream
24. Walk on broken glass
25. Wash my clothes in wolf urine
26. Eat a bowl of rutabagas
27. Get stuck on the "Small World" ride a Disney World for 3 days
28. Chinese water torture
29. Drink dirty bath water
30. Stick my hand in a blender

And that's about it.

The Emmy for "I'm Pretending to Love Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bars" goes to:

Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar: Video

This is a cleverly scripted mockumentary about the Food Network's Duff Goldman from the Ace of Cakes who claims that he LOVES a chocolate dessert bar with bacon all up in there. If the food network paid me millions of dollars to warp the minds of all you gullible sheep out there I'd do it too. So that's what he's doing here as he promotes this awesome looking chocolate bar...that is until they coat it with bacon bits! I mean come on, you have a perfectly awesome dessert. Why go and ruin it like that. No one in the world can convince me that by putting bacon on the top makes it soooo much better.

Picture your favorite food: mine is a perfectly cooked medium steak. Then right before I take the first bite of this savory strip of deliciousness I dunk it in a bowl of crushed up cherry lollipop. Then I try to convince everyone that it's delicious. BULL. CRAP. Listen up people; who is smarter? You or a Food Network producer? Exactly. You don't have to believe everything you see on TV. They're actors! They get paid to fake it! Someone give 'ol Duff an Emmy.

Here's a picture of the sickness. If you care to watch the rest of the train wreck then watch the video.

PS: I will give him bonus points for using the word "Celebacon".

Pei Wei Betrei'd Me

Before I begin, go get a large bucket. You're going to need it when you see this. Before I get to the pukey part let's talk about some good things to dip or coat chicken in. There's good 'ol ketchup, BBQ sauce (non-honey), soy sauce, mustard (non-honey), buffalo sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ranch, chili sauce, salsa, guacamole, cream gravy, and a few others. What's NOT on the list? Right, sweet stuff like honey, sugar, molasses, syrup, fruit, chocolate, and sweet and sour sauce. Evidently the "chefs" at Pei Wei asian grill are sadist who thought it would be a good idea to play one of the largest food pranks in American history. They all came up with one of the worst combinations in the known universe - just to see if we're gullible enough to try it. I present to you Pei Wei Caramel Chicken. Good one Pei Wei. Nice try. I'm not falling for it.

(now that your bucket is full of chuck aren't you glad you got it?) I've had to empty mine twice just while writing this post.

Ham IN the french toast.

Got this picture from a co-worker (who I was thinking about starting to refer to them as a friend, but not anymore) the other day. Let's first get the record straight; this crap ain't mine. How can you tell? Cause of the fork and knife marks in the styrofoam! I figured this person just bought this so they could take a picture and send it to me. I didn't expect them to actually eat a bite! Is that cheese too? Gross...Apparently our on-site cafetorium determined that it was not good enough to simply put a slice of ham off to the side of the french toast. No, some genius working there said, "I'm going to put this meat inside the french toast. Then I'll put some syrup and powdered sugar all up in there." So, I'm deciding to do what any rational level headed person would do when confronted with this travesty. I'm going to hijack the next shipment of bread, eggs, syrup, and ham going to the cafeteria. Since there are no cliffs the drive the truck off of, I'll plunge it into a lake or river. Then I'll be a hero. Don't thank me. Just doing my part.

2010: A New Decade. A New Revulsionary Concoction.

Take a look at this picture. Don't scroll down yet. What do you see?
A) Maggots eating a dead animal?
B) The insides of my stomach?
C) Your brain on sweet meat?
D) Bacon Bourbon Caramel Popcorn?

If you guessed A, B, or C you're so close! Unfortunately it's D. Let's bring in the new decade with some Bacon Bourbon Caramel Corn! Yep, you heard me. Bacon. Bourbon. Caramel. Corn.

I'd rather eat a big bucket of answers A, B, or C than this crap.

Just in time for Christmas! The worst ham recipe in the known Universe!

I've been waiting for the one perfect ham recipe to cross my path this year (and by perfect I mean the perfectly disgusting combination of sweet and meat). Why only one example when there are so many ways to ruin a ham? Well that was last year's post: It's Christmas, Let's Ruin a Ham! This year I wanted just one. One that was so gut retching, so ralph inducing that it took me hours just to calm my gag reflexes enough to write this post. I cannot possibly imagine what is going through someone's mind when they take the first bite. Maybe it's "Where can I spit this out? How can I get through this one bite without throwing up? I just wasted 3 hours and $30 for this crap!"

People of the world! Hear my words! The time to end this nonsense is now! Who told you that slathering sweet syrups and spices all over your ham was delicious? Your parents? Not likely. It's not just The Food Network, the fancy celebrity chefs, and the snotty food columnists across the globe who needed something different to shovel down our throats because they ran out of ideas; it's also backed by the sugar "industry" (more like cartel) who got tired of seeing low-sugar, diet products gaining popularity. THEY don't want us to eat healthy. THEY don't want us to enjoy the savory goodness of our meat anymore. It's all about money to them. I can see straight through their deceit and lies.

And THIS! THIS HAM is the pinnacle, the granddaddy of them all! This is why I do what I do. This is why I will never stop my quest to save the world of this sweet meat ridiculousness. BEHOLD: Sweet and Spicy Rubbed Ham.
Brought to you from the sick minds at quickandsimple.com. Look at those ingredients! Just LOOK at what you would be putting in your mouth if you made this!

• 6 pound(s) (fully cooked smoked) bone-in ham
• 1/2 cup(s) (packed ) brown sugar
  
• 1/3 cup(s) maple syrup
  
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) (ground) mustard
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) (ground) cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground ginger
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground cloves
• dash ground nutmeg
• cinnamon sticks
• red seedless grapes

I don't feel there is anything else to say. Don't listen to what society is telling you to eat. Listen to your heart.

"Italian" Wedge Salad is not very Italian

Italian Wedge - a la carte

Applewood smoked bacon, candied pecans, gorgonzola, roma tomatoes, apple slices with roasted garlic ranch.

- Just like an Italian would make right? Just because you put garlic in your ranch it doesn't count as being Italian. Worst of all is the inclusion of apple slices and candied pecans! Just because two things have one characteristic in common, crispness, in this case it doesn't mean they're meant to go together.

• Crisco and yogurt are both creamy but you don't mix those together.
  

• Chocolate and mashed potatoes are both smooth but you don't mix those together.

It's just sad that Italian restaurants are feeling pressured to serve up this crap. It's simple. Don't order this salad and especially don't pretend to like it if you do. You're not fooling anyone and you're not impressing your date. Matter of fact, you eat this salad and you'll likely get dumped because of your horrible taste in food. Just sayin...

Landry's Fruit Filled Seafood of Shame

So, Landry's Seafood House here in H-town came out with this new promotion where they serve you a big plate of expensive fruit filled seafood and they video tape your pukey reactions on hidden cameras and then sell it to some TV show for some big time laughs as viewers watch these people come in and order up the equivalent of a huge plate of jokes on them! I mean listen to these descriptions:

• Applejack Sea Bass topped with apples and sun-dried cherries, simmered in a sweet bourbon reduction.
• Pecan Cranberry Crusted Mahi served with apple blue cheese slaw.
• Crispy Duck with Grand Marnier cranberry demi, served with vanilla bean sweet potato mash.

Who are you trying to kid Landry? You're not serving seafood entrees! You're serving dessert!

As you choke down the second bite of your $30 dish the bile in your own throat can't stay down and you end up spewing chunks all over the place! It's TV ratings gold! I'm expecting a phone call from Fox or Spike anyday wanting to hear the pitch.

Mo's bacon choco chip pancake mix

"Bacon lovers, rejoice! This pancake mix is all about your favorite breakfast meat. Featuring a delicious buttermilk pancake mix and Vosges Chocolates’ famous Mo Bacon Bar chips, it’s the perfect mix of salty, smoky, and sweet! All natural. 16 oz. Shelf life of 6 months. About 7” tall - $14.

Are you freakin kidding me?! Perfect mix of salty, smoky, and sweet is akin to saying there's such a thing as a perfect mix of babies, kittens, and hand grenades! This is not the first time ol Mo has crossed the well established no sweet meat line in the sand: Mo's Bacon Bar. This guy has to go - no question.

Who's with me for getting some kind of class action lawsuit going for Mo? There has got to be some kind of repeat offender clause. I'll look into the No Sweet Meat bylaws and get back with you.

Latest Discovery of Impending Doom Upon the Earth

I give you, the Fool's Gold Stack and Fool's Gold Loaf Sandwhich:

Pancakes layered between peanut butter and bacon and topped with maple syrup.

A loaf of hollowed out bread filled with creamy peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon.



The human race is destined for destruction as a result of this.

Vegan Maple Bacon (puke) Latte

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aguMoJq44XY

This is wrong on so many levels. Anthony Bourdain of the Travel Channel's No Reservations has made me want to gouge my eyes out by drinking a Vegan Maple Bacon Latte. I understand if no one reads any further on this post because your probably sprinting down the hall to your bathroom trying not to let the vomit escape your pie-hole. That's why I keep my trashcan by the computer! It's actually still full from when I watched the youtube clip!

Let me know what you think.