Pei Wei Betrei'd Me

Before I begin, go get a large bucket. You're going to need it when you see this. Before I get to the pukey part let's talk about some good things to dip or coat chicken in. There's good 'ol ketchup, BBQ sauce (non-honey), soy sauce, mustard (non-honey), buffalo sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ranch, chili sauce, salsa, guacamole, cream gravy, and a few others. What's NOT on the list? Right, sweet stuff like honey, sugar, molasses, syrup, fruit, chocolate, and sweet and sour sauce. Evidently the "chefs" at Pei Wei asian grill are sadist who thought it would be a good idea to play one of the largest food pranks in American history. They all came up with one of the worst combinations in the known universe - just to see if we're gullible enough to try it. I present to you Pei Wei Caramel Chicken. Good one Pei Wei. Nice try. I'm not falling for it.

(now that your bucket is full of chuck aren't you glad you got it?) I've had to empty mine twice just while writing this post.

Ham IN the french toast.

Got this picture from a co-worker (who I was thinking about starting to refer to them as a friend, but not anymore) the other day. Let's first get the record straight; this crap ain't mine. How can you tell? Cause of the fork and knife marks in the styrofoam! I figured this person just bought this so they could take a picture and send it to me. I didn't expect them to actually eat a bite! Is that cheese too? Gross...Apparently our on-site cafetorium determined that it was not good enough to simply put a slice of ham off to the side of the french toast. No, some genius working there said, "I'm going to put this meat inside the french toast. Then I'll put some syrup and powdered sugar all up in there." So, I'm deciding to do what any rational level headed person would do when confronted with this travesty. I'm going to hijack the next shipment of bread, eggs, syrup, and ham going to the cafeteria. Since there are no cliffs the drive the truck off of, I'll plunge it into a lake or river. Then I'll be a hero. Don't thank me. Just doing my part.

2010: A New Decade. A New Revulsionary Concoction.

Take a look at this picture. Don't scroll down yet. What do you see?
A) Maggots eating a dead animal?
B) The insides of my stomach?
C) Your brain on sweet meat?
D) Bacon Bourbon Caramel Popcorn?

If you guessed A, B, or C you're so close! Unfortunately it's D. Let's bring in the new decade with some Bacon Bourbon Caramel Corn! Yep, you heard me. Bacon. Bourbon. Caramel. Corn.

I'd rather eat a big bucket of answers A, B, or C than this crap.

Just in time for Christmas! The worst ham recipe in the known Universe!

I've been waiting for the one perfect ham recipe to cross my path this year (and by perfect I mean the perfectly disgusting combination of sweet and meat). Why only one example when there are so many ways to ruin a ham? Well that was last year's post: It's Christmas, Let's Ruin a Ham! This year I wanted just one. One that was so gut retching, so ralph inducing that it took me hours just to calm my gag reflexes enough to write this post. I cannot possibly imagine what is going through someone's mind when they take the first bite. Maybe it's "Where can I spit this out? How can I get through this one bite without throwing up? I just wasted 3 hours and $30 for this crap!"

People of the world! Hear my words! The time to end this nonsense is now! Who told you that slathering sweet syrups and spices all over your ham was delicious? Your parents? Not likely. It's not just The Food Network, the fancy celebrity chefs, and the snotty food columnists across the globe who needed something different to shovel down our throats because they ran out of ideas; it's also backed by the sugar "industry" (more like cartel) who got tired of seeing low-sugar, diet products gaining popularity. THEY don't want us to eat healthy. THEY don't want us to enjoy the savory goodness of our meat anymore. It's all about money to them. I can see straight through their deceit and lies.

And THIS! THIS HAM is the pinnacle, the granddaddy of them all! This is why I do what I do. This is why I will never stop my quest to save the world of this sweet meat ridiculousness. BEHOLD: Sweet and Spicy Rubbed Ham.
Brought to you from the sick minds at quickandsimple.com. Look at those ingredients! Just LOOK at what you would be putting in your mouth if you made this!

• 6 pound(s) (fully cooked smoked) bone-in ham
• 1/2 cup(s) (packed ) brown sugar
  
• 1/3 cup(s) maple syrup
  
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) (ground) mustard
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) (ground) cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground ginger
• 1/8 teaspoon(s) ground cloves
• dash ground nutmeg
• cinnamon sticks
• red seedless grapes

I don't feel there is anything else to say. Don't listen to what society is telling you to eat. Listen to your heart.

"Italian" Wedge Salad is not very Italian

Italian Wedge - a la carte

Applewood smoked bacon, candied pecans, gorgonzola, roma tomatoes, apple slices with roasted garlic ranch.

- Just like an Italian would make right? Just because you put garlic in your ranch it doesn't count as being Italian. Worst of all is the inclusion of apple slices and candied pecans! Just because two things have one characteristic in common, crispness, in this case it doesn't mean they're meant to go together.

• Crisco and yogurt are both creamy but you don't mix those together.
  

• Chocolate and mashed potatoes are both smooth but you don't mix those together.

It's just sad that Italian restaurants are feeling pressured to serve up this crap. It's simple. Don't order this salad and especially don't pretend to like it if you do. You're not fooling anyone and you're not impressing your date. Matter of fact, you eat this salad and you'll likely get dumped because of your horrible taste in food. Just sayin...

Landry's Fruit Filled Seafood of Shame

So, Landry's Seafood House here in H-town came out with this new promotion where they serve you a big plate of expensive fruit filled seafood and they video tape your pukey reactions on hidden cameras and then sell it to some TV show for some big time laughs as viewers watch these people come in and order up the equivalent of a huge plate of jokes on them! I mean listen to these descriptions:

• Applejack Sea Bass topped with apples and sun-dried cherries, simmered in a sweet bourbon reduction.
• Pecan Cranberry Crusted Mahi served with apple blue cheese slaw.
• Crispy Duck with Grand Marnier cranberry demi, served with vanilla bean sweet potato mash.

Who are you trying to kid Landry? You're not serving seafood entrees! You're serving dessert!

As you choke down the second bite of your $30 dish the bile in your own throat can't stay down and you end up spewing chunks all over the place! It's TV ratings gold! I'm expecting a phone call from Fox or Spike anyday wanting to hear the pitch.

Mo's bacon choco chip pancake mix

"Bacon lovers, rejoice! This pancake mix is all about your favorite breakfast meat. Featuring a delicious buttermilk pancake mix and Vosges Chocolates’ famous Mo Bacon Bar chips, it’s the perfect mix of salty, smoky, and sweet! All natural. 16 oz. Shelf life of 6 months. About 7” tall - $14.

Are you freakin kidding me?! Perfect mix of salty, smoky, and sweet is akin to saying there's such a thing as a perfect mix of babies, kittens, and hand grenades! This is not the first time ol Mo has crossed the well established no sweet meat line in the sand: Mo's Bacon Bar. This guy has to go - no question.

Who's with me for getting some kind of class action lawsuit going for Mo? There has got to be some kind of repeat offender clause. I'll look into the No Sweet Meat bylaws and get back with you.

Latest Discovery of Impending Doom Upon the Earth

I give you, the Fool's Gold Stack and Fool's Gold Loaf Sandwhich:

Pancakes layered between peanut butter and bacon and topped with maple syrup.

A loaf of hollowed out bread filled with creamy peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon.



The human race is destined for destruction as a result of this.

Vegan Maple Bacon (puke) Latte

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aguMoJq44XY

This is wrong on so many levels. Anthony Bourdain of the Travel Channel's No Reservations has made me want to gouge my eyes out by drinking a Vegan Maple Bacon Latte. I understand if no one reads any further on this post because your probably sprinting down the hall to your bathroom trying not to let the vomit escape your pie-hole. That's why I keep my trashcan by the computer! It's actually still full from when I watched the youtube clip!

Let me know what you think.

Hawaiian Rolls are NOT exotic!

You want to know the fastest way to ruin a dinner roll? Add some sugar! What's the big deal about Hawaiian Rolls anyway? Do you really think that the Hawaiian's like this crap? I guarantee you they don't serve Hawaiian rolls at a traditional luau! The last thing I'm thinking about eating with my pig and poi is a sweet roll.

I know I talk a lot about my mom's cooking which was awesome 80% of time, but the other 20% comes from serving up violations like carrot raisin puke (see post below if you need a good cry) and King's Hawaiian Rolls with our Sunday roast, mashed potatoes, and gravy. I'm not going to sop up my gravy with that! You don't sop up vanilla pudding with jalapeno garlic toast do you? Tell you what; next time you have some gravy with your meal invite me over and I'll bring some oreos for you to dunk. Don't try to act like you'd do it either just for the sake of arguing.

Stop lying to yourself!

Carrot Raisin Salad and a Scarred Childhood

Where it all began...

The year was 1983. I was a young boy sitting at the dinner table on a Sunday afternoon. Alone. No mother, father, or sister to sit with me. Actually they had already finished eating their food, and so had I; except for one thing. There in front of me was a big pile of carrot raisin salad. "But I don't want to eat it!" I would insist. "You're not getting up until you do!" came my mother's response. This scene had already been played out several times over the course of the meal. It's not like I hadn't eaten anything else...actually my plate was spotless everywhere else. So what was so special about this "salad" that I had to sit there and eat it? I found it hard to believe that my mom and dad actually liked the stuff. I knew my sister hated it too judging by her distorted face as she hurriedly forked bite after bite into her mouth while holding her nose. But she did it. Then she abandoned me too.

I tried crying. I tried reasoning. I tried bargaining. I tried being mean. My mom was not human. She didn't budge. As a matter of fact of all this was only sealing her resolve. There was no way of getting out of this. It's time. I scooped up a hefty fork full of luke-warm carrot raisin salad and looked at it. "I don't even like carrots by themselves. I don't even go out of my way to eat raisins." The nose thing got my sister through it. Maybe it would work for me too. Left hand fingers holding the nose, mouth open, eyes closed for good measure, and a right hand holding a pile of gross on a fork.

In my mouth it went. "What the heck happened! The nose thing isn't working! I can still taste it...and it tastes...absolutely horrid!" Out of pure shock my left hand quickly abandons post and relinquishes my nose. My jaw - now in total disbelief that it was being forced to chew something so awful starts a full sprint. "Swallow dang it! Swallow! Can't! Must chew some more." My eyes start to water up. I glance over towards the kitchen to see if mom was watching. Of course she was eying me like a hawk. I felt betrayed just as much as I felt like spitting the food out of my mouth. A drink of milk finally washes away the dreadful substance. Pieces raisin were still stuck in my teeth. The aftertaste of a sweet and savory avalanche of gut-wrenching food lingered. I was beaten. KO'd. My will to live was gone. But at least the nightmare that would haunt me for the rest of my life was over...

"Not so fast young man! You still have two more bites of carrot raisin salad on your plate."

Sweet Beef Jerky = Fun at Work

It's time we discuss how the state of Beef Jerky has gone to hell in a handbag. I always assumed beef jerky to be a snack consumed by the manliest of men. Seasoned and dried meat that has to be carnally torn apart by the teeth of a wild man. A power packed piece of protein that served as a source of nourishment for someone eating this meal like it's his last.

Enter beef jerky 2009. A soft textured beef(?) like substance soaked in sugar water before being pumped with perservatives, bagged, and sold to the masses at Walmart. Take a look at the ingredient list. Even on the peppered and original; third or fourth ingredient is sugar! What happened to the real beef jerky? The kind you can still get at a select few smokehouses along lonely stretches of Texas highways like Woody's. The kind that takes an hour to gnarl your way through a one ounce piece. Not this Oberto or Jack's Links crap that comes with flavors like Teriyaki, Sweet & Hot & Maple. There's a whole site dedicated to this farce. Man up people! Eat food the way it was meant to be.

Now I want everyone to play my favorite game; real life application! The next time you're at the Outback or Saltgrass Steakhouse, when your steak arrives at the table, instead of reaching for the A1, salt, or liquid smoke, reach on over and grab yourself 4 or 5 sugar packets. Tear em open and pour it over your steak. Eat it. Enjoy it. What's wrong? Is that grossing you out? OF COURSE IT IS! YOU JUST PUT SUGAR ALL OVER YOUR FREAKIN STEAK! WHAT'D YOU EXPECT YOU DIMWIT? Go back to eating tofu and grass.

Why would you not do that in a million years, but turn around and grab a bag of sugar infused jerky at the grocery store the next day. Because you're a hypocrite! Stop living the lie! Join me and help me open people's eyes to this sickness.